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Break into Health & Safety

by Keith Jellicoe

Burglars and rascals please beware
that NHS treatment is here for your care,
but knowing you'd always keep clear of the Doc(?) ..
Judge(?) for yourself, don't blow a fuse or lose the plot
for the bullets below could safeguard your health,
just hold up and put aside that safe of untold wealth.

So, first please be sensible, wear the right gear
with steel toed boots and no rings through your ear..
and when smashing that window or key cutting a car
remember your fingers - you don't want a scar.

Don't cut alarm cables without suitable gloves
which help pick up items the house owner loves;
they also stop prints from those annoying police tecs
but please don't strain eyes by forgetting your specs
as they might come in useful when forging those cheques. 

Yes, good eyes are so helpful when checking Van Goughs
but beware dusty Old Masters - they might lead to some coughs.

Then there's Silver and Gold and E.P.N.S.,
however too much of a polish can tarnish fitness.

Those new thin TVs have eased crooked backs
but just look out when humping those heavy swag sacks.

During that hold-up don't forget your face mask
for the cashier could be contagious - best not to ask.

Take care handling fuses and old gelignite -
rather like an injection - could put you out like a light.  

Especially now there's little cash in the bank
your feelings of guilt and depression are rank
but with most money lost and bankers to fault
soon with Government help you'll be fit for the vault.

Remember, when digging escape tunnels, in over-hard soils
take the weight off your shoulders - by getting rid of those spoils
and at night when JCBeeing ATMs full of notes
please don't catch cold by forgetting your coats.

After laundering your - or others' - money from all different lands
don't forget, avoid contamination - please wash your hands.
Although cash-making cameras and lap-tops are always a cinch
beware tight battery compartments - Ooh!- some give quite a pinch.

Talking of pinching - look out for that cop
whose truncheon is waiting for your lovely soft top.
Yes, there's the car and a good get-away is always a must
but check out the seat belts - no good ? Perhaps take a bus.

Don't forget, wear dark glasses especially on nights;
they help prevent glare from those blue flashing lights.

So if, even after taking account of our careful precautions,
you still find yourself in awkward contortions
and your dastardly deeds have made you quite ill
good old NHS will, no doubt, have the right pill
but please don't produce, those fraudulent prescriptions -
they are likely to reveal your character's descriptions
and who knows - you may end up - paying the Bill !

Keith Jellicoe
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